I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So squirting runs in the family.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
