Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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