i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
