boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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