She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
