You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
