Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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