dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
