my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
