when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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