Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
