i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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