I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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