Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
