We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
