I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
