I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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