Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he fucked my hip out of place.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
