so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
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ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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