My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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