im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
