good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
