i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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