You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
