This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
