she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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