My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize