When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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