What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
