The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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