There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
