I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
As shirtless as possible
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
