Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
