would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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