Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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