im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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