when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
