JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
