Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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