Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
