i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
being pregnant is like rehab
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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