oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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