it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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