Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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