Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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