I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
