yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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