got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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