I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility