He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
