can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
