im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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