i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
