the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
