I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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