There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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