I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
