Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
