Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
