In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
