Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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