So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
