I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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