Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
