I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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