I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
