Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
